New ‘Stros RF Suspended for the Season

The Astros made a splash the other day by signing superstar Miguel Velazquez, who, in 2018, has 9 home runs, .262 BA, .306 OBP, 21 RBIs and 20 runs scored. He has played in 53 games between the Diamondbacks and Royals.

Feedback from around the league was quickly negative, with many other GMs and the media questioning Astros GM Matt Wells, who usually makes well thought out decisions that make sense. This one was anything but that, as Velazquez is known as a clubhouse cancer.

It did not take long for the world to see why, as on his first day with the team, he has already gone and got himself suspended indefinitely, which the thought is that this will be for the remainder of the season.

After showing up late for batting practice, and then stealing 3B Daniel Fleming’s locker, he proceeded to skip the order and jump right into the cage, while wearing cargo shorts and a visor. After his round of hitting, he was told to run the bases, yet he chose to skip that and instead go to the dugout to hit on the trainer’s assistant. When manager Adrian Beltre saw this, he immediately got on the phone with GM Matt Wells, and within the hour, Velazquez’s bag was packed, and he was on his way home.

The Astros have made a official statement: “Our meetings with Velazquez were great, when he was looking to get signed. He seemed changed, ready to bond with teammates and be a contributor. As soon as the contract was signed, he became the person you’ve heard stories of. He clearly only wants the money, and only cares about himself. We should have written into the contract that any violations of team rules would result in a void contract, but we, stupidly, fell for his act. We advise every other team to not waste their time with this waste of talent, and hope he just leaves the game altogether.”

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